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The Millennial Mating Call

Updated: Sep 4, 2020

It’s the early hours of the morning and the sun begins to rise from a restful slumber. It peeks its head above the treetops, scattering light across the dew-soaked grass. Illuminating each droplet with colorful rays of metallic light that cause them to sparkle in unison, mimicking a coordinated dance across the tips of each individual blade.

Horses, heard but not seen, neigh competitively, echoing their implied preparedness to perform. The rattling of heavy armor fills voids of silence as noblemen and villagers alike gather on the wooden bleachers. Each class segregated but still appalled to be in such proximity to the other.

The king sits upon his throne, a scowl reflects his contempt for having to participate in this ridiculous display of hubris. The queen at his side, provides a supportive caress along the back of his hand in an effort to reassure him that his time away from the comfort of his warm bed will be short-lived. She can see him gripping the velvet-lined armrest tighter with every passing minute. The princess stands intentionally an arm’s-length away, hopefully safe from the king’s inevitable ridicule. She smiles nervously in response to those in the bleachers below who look upon her with envy. Her golden blonde hair flows down below her shoulder, finally coming to rest halfway down her royal gown. A gown spun from the finest silk, yet only allowed to be worn once.

The town drunk, completely unaware of his bad timing, can be heard bellowing out an inappropriate story to the overweight wench from the local tavern. “I fucked a sheep once!” he slurred. “It was baaaaaaaaaad!” The wench spat out her ale as if it were the funniest thing she had ever heard.

A royal knight makes his way to the center of the king’s stage, stops abruptly, and slams the butt-end of his spear against the wooden platform three times. The echoing reverberation ends all muffled conversations and serves as a cue for the horns to bellow out the recognizable demand for everyone’s attention.

“Who shall present thyself before thy king as a suitor worthy of Princess Kelly’s hand?” the knight cries out with an intimidating and challenging tone to his voice.

“Tis I, Sir Perfect, who presents myself for such an honor, Your Grace!” replies a young knight in shining armor, mounted on top of a gallant white steed.

“Name thy challenge ye shall choose to demonstrate thy valor and win the hand of Princess Kelly” demands the king’s knight.

“I shall fight to the death, any man who is brave enough to present himself before me and defeat me in combat” claims Sir Perfect.

The bleachers fill with gasps of awe and disbelief, doubting such a brave man exists.

“Who else shall present thyself before thy king as a suitor worthy of Princess Kelly’s hand?” the knight asks again.

“Tis I, Sir Mo Ron Millennial, who presents I’self…? Thyself… ? Meself… ? …Myself!! for such an honor, Thy Grace… ? The Grace… ? My Grace… ? …Your Grace!! to compete for the honor of winning Princess Kelly’s hand” replies another young knight, he riding on top of a white BMW ½ series, tattoos of barbed wire across his biceps and Japanese symbols along his forearms that, as far as he was told, represent courage and strength, but in reality, translates into: useless coward and stupid American.

“Name thy challenge ye shall choose to demonstrate thy valor and win the hand of Princess Kelly” demands the king’s knight again.

“I, shall eat this Tide Pod and chase it down with my own homemade energy drink (that I’m selling for $2 a can if anyone out there is interested, and you too can make an extra $800 a week in residual income with little to no money up front and be your own boss working as little as 3 hours per month) because I am a pretentious, cisgender white-privileged male who totally deserves, but is completely unwilling to accept, the consequences of making this extremely bad decision, because I’m 99% sure that, regardless of who’s at fault, my overly-neglectful parents will bail me out of this.

This? This is the iconic torch that will be passed along to the children of tomorrow by the Millennial generation of today? What a sadly pathetic evolution from past generations to the present. Congratulations on your woke-based, cancel-culture contribution to the history books, well-deserving of the title: “Just Skip This Chapter”. No longer will future children fall asleep to romantic tales of brave men willing to lay down their lives for that one true love. Nooooooo, from this day forward, “Once upon a time…” will be replaced with “Yo! Back in the day…”; and illustrations of a knight battling a dragon with only his sword to defend and win his true love’s heart, will be replaced by a dick pic with a caption: “Sup bitch, you up?” followed by the winking emoji. It’s kind of like transitioning from watching Game Of Thrones to Tiger King, isn’t it?

Our parents are the ones who wasted all that time courting and sending flowers, asking a father’s permission to take their daughter on a date. I know, what a naive, old-fashioned perspective. Becoming equally archaic are nights spent sitting at a bar, waiting for Mr. Perfect to come buy you a drink, only you accidentally make eye-contact with that weird guy wearing a Guardians of the Galaxy t-shirt, who somehow managed to squeeze himself into a pair of skinny jeans, unknowingly chosen from the maternity section at TJ Maxx, which have boosted his confidence enough to theatrically lip-sync “If you wanna be my lover…” as he moonwalks across the empty dance floor directly towards YOU! Thank God you memorized the rejection hotline number.

We have now surrendered ourselves to online dating sites, like Tinder or Hinge, where exaggerated profiles call to all those who shallowly rely on 6 strategically selected, and probably outdated, pictures followed by intimate proclamations highlighting potential compatibility, such as: “The key to my heart is: ‘pizza.’” Omg he likes pizza, too? I think I just found my soulmate. No rush to judgement there… Swiping left or right is the proverbial Millennial Mating Call typically answered by those willing to arrive at your door 20 minutes later with their pants around their ankles, asking: “You cool if I record this?” It’s like UberSex without feeling like you have to tip.

Instagram and Facebook are the lakes where we hunt for potential catfish, and provide additional assurances that they’re not lying about who they really are (or about liking pizza). A place where one can learn everything about another without even ever having to say “hello”. To verify how successful they might be, as corroborated by their strategically framed photos of themselves standing next to the expensive things they own; how educated they are, based on the carefully selected “favorite quotes” posted in their bio: “I feel like fame is wasted on me” - Ben Affleck (he’s right); or how well-traveled they may be, based on the shirtless selfies or the rare bikini picture down on their knees (shoulder width apart) in the sand with both arms bent, hands positioned behind the head, mouth slightly opened, shot all the way from the majestic white beaches at the local dog park.

All these websites have morphed into places where vanity and materialism paint a picture that the profile artist wants the world to believe and envy. A perfectly cropped masterpiece in which a white Audi serves as a backdrop to a faux “candid” selfie of a Millennial wearing $800 shoes strategically positioned at the perfect angle so the emblem can be seen clearly in the forefront, proving they are the genuine thing, as they stare off into the distance contemplating solutions to global injustices like poverty and starvation. An illusion created in an attempt to convince friends and strangers that financial success hasn’t blinded them to the misfortune of others. But it's what has been cropped out of the masterpiece that teaches you everything you need to know about who they really are. The Audi Dealership sign in the background, the salesman with a “Denied” credit application in his hand, a shoeless man pointing angrily at the suspect as the police surround him with their weapons drawn. Unfollow! Unfollow! Blocked!

Social media has not only stolen that poor man’s shoes, but also our undivided, and much-needed, attention towards improving ourselves. How in the hell does eating a Tide Pod or posing in pictures with ridiculously overpriced shoes improve our lives in any way whatsoever, much less, help attract people who might make our lives significantly more fulfilling? The truth is, it doesn’t. It merely satisfies that shallow desire for attention, no matter who that attention might come from, or at what cost. Even if you can easily afford all those things, even if you are the most perfectly fit specimen, do you really want to share those successes with a person who is ultimately only interested in that and nothing else? But then again, Millennials seem to be less concerned with meeting someone capable of improving their lives. Instead, they are irrationally obsessed with overcoming their own insecurities by presenting a false narrative/image of themselves to the world with the expectation that positive feedback will provide reassurances that they shouldn’t feel insecure. In reality, the positive feedback is merely an indication that certain types of people have responded to a fictional character created by a liar, and nothing more.

All of this evolves into an ever-growing rivalry between insecure people constantly trying to out-selfie, out-post and out-perform the competition, or con even the most beautiful people (inside and out) into believing they are looking for a committed relationship, when in reality, they are only trying to overcome insecurities through shallow interactions initiated by lies and manipulation.

Typically, the true intentions of the respondents are only ascertainable in hindsight, oftentimes leaving people feeling more insecure than they did before. Force yourself to honestly question how happy you really are the next time you’re with them and you have to listen to how pumped they are because there’s a new flavor protein shake coming out tomorrow that has 1,500,000 mg of genetically modified protein in each serving, or how insanely intense their last spin class was, or what a whore Becky is because she had a 13-way in the bathroom at Denny’s with the total strangers she met in the VIP lounge three hours prior. But the most enlightening time to ask such a question is; I don’t know… , perhaps during a global pandemic that breaks out and you’re locked in your apartment with that special someone? No sports, no 2nd season of Tiger King, no bars or nightclubs open to justify the desire to dress up like a hooker, and you’re now faced with those awkward moments of silence, desperately trying to think of something to talk about that you haven’t already blabbed about during the first 3 weeks of meeting one another. That is a huge indication that you both might be together for shallow reasons, because two people who never run out of funny and interesting things to talk about and learn from rarely prefer to spend time without the other. A key component to a mutually beneficial, long-lasting bond between compatible people is one that cannot be undermined by annoying conversations about meaningless shit, or awkward moments of silence. Two people preferring to spend time with each other makes both feel equally appreciated and desired by the other.

Traditional ways of getting to know someone have stood the test of time for a reason. It gives both people a fair chance to get to know the real person who stands before them. It provides them with an opportunity to make a well-informed decision as to whether they should: a.) invest a portion of their life to discover more about them, or b.) report them to the proper authorities and collect the reward. A person has the right to decide what is in their own best interest and the type of person they want to share their time with. Pretending to be someone you’re not, or masking your true motives, robs a person of that choice. Avoiding inevitable surprises down the road not only saves everyone a lot of time, but a ton of unnecessary pain.

Everyone lies, but social media has only exacerbated the problem, eroding our ability to interact with people on a more intimate and honest level. Who we are as people is not well-represented in the profiles created online, nor in the pictures or comments posted. The more of ourselves we sacrifice to the cesspool of social media, the more we lose touch with our humanity. The world has certainly become a much smaller place thanks to social media. However, making the world smaller hasn’t necessarily proven to be an improvement when it comes to bringing people together. Some would even credibly argue that it is responsible for widespread division, thanks to keyboard courage fueled by people’s overwhelming desire to appear virtuous in the eyes of complete strangers.

Sifting through millions of profiles might increase your odds of finding that needle in the haystack, but it also increases your odds of having to deal with a lot more assholes along the way. Unfortunately, social media doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon and there are those who will always try to manipulate the truth without regard for the feelings of those who are undeserving of the consequences and/or resulting pain.

With that being said, some risks far outweigh the need for immediate gratification. People, especially women, tend to expose themselves to significant danger by releasing too many pieces of personal information online, thereby allowing puzzle masters the opportunity to methodically fit those pieces together. How dangerous can it be? After a fun-filled night of dancing and slamming back 10 Jagerbombs, no one ever anticipates waking up at the bottom of a 20-foot hole looking up at the same guy you swiped “Yes” to the day before, who is now dressed like one of the Golden Girls and lowering a bucket attached to a rope, as he instructs in a deep feminine voice: “it rubs the lotion on its skin… ”

Do brave and honorable men still exist? Are they even allowed to have those traits anymore? Is it still possible to find your Sir Perfect and if so, how much nonsense do you have to dig through in order to find him? Has the prevalence of dishonesty/lack of integrity in today’s society crippled this generation’s ability to admire such characteristics, leaving us with only Sir Mo Ron Millennials?

As a single millennial living in today's world, I find it disheartening to see and experience such a significant amount of disappointment when searching for someone who is not only trustworthy but also possesses admirable characteristics and integrity. I’ve never found myself at the bottom of a 20-foot hole, however, I have fallen in my fair share of traps when it comes to men pretending to be something they’re not. I’ve even found myself feeling somewhat naïve after realizing my quest for a meaningful relationship had been interrupted by a jackass or two along the way, making claims they couldn’t live up to, something a real man would never do. It was as if I were stranded in a desert and saw water a mile away. How discouraging it has been to only find a mirage when looking for a man. What does a real man even look like? Would I even recognize one if I was ever so fortunate to come across one? Actually, I was fortunate enough, one of the truly lucky ones, who not only knew a real man, but was loved unconditionally by him every single day until his last...

Although he is no longer with me, he has never left me. He still teaches & guides me. He reminds me of the characteristics that I value and anything that falls short is something I should always refuse to accept. My father proved to me that real men exist and his memory is more than enough to restore my hope. I’ve loved a real man and he loved me. What more could a girl ask for…

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Alex Meyers
Alex Meyers
Jan 10, 2023

Now in 2023, the Tide Pod reference may need to be updated to NFTs ;)


Brett Moore
Brett Moore
Feb 12, 2021

Beautifully done, great job

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